Wie steigende Testosteron-Spiegel fast meine Schulkarriere beendeten

Consilium Abeundi:

The decision to throw you out (of school).

We often had to change classrooms in our school, depending on what we did and who the teacher was for a subject. So, one day the class was moved to the room otherwise used by girls for home working classes such as sewing and what have you. There were lots of needles and pins in the cracks of the wooden flooring, and when I came into the room some others were trying to stick some of these pins into the teacher's chair – except they had trouble doing this. As a quasi Weiten-Gesaess farm boy I showed them how to do it: I broke off the glass heads and then tapped the pins into the chair with the pointed end, suggesting that the dull end was sharp enough for giving the teacher a good pricking. I strategically placed three needles just to show them. They decided to leave them in.

So after Herr Kellner came in, for an English lesson, we worked on some assignments or writings and i focussed on my booklet not even thinking about those needles – when suddenly I noticed that the class had gone absolutely silent. I carefully lifted my head: Mr. Kellner was standing by his desk with a pale face, and he said “Baer, did you do this?” And I said “Yes” for want of a better answer. He said nothing, and the class continued, with him standing all the time. When the bell rang he grabbed the chair and left the room – I right behind him pleading with him to forget it – in vain. He headed straight to the Principal's office. 

Although nothing happened that afternoon, I went through Michelstadt kind of dazed, not daring to go home (I am not sure – but i think we lived already in Michelstadt at that time). Eventually I drifted into the arms of my mother who had been searching for me for an hour and had tears in her face. We both knew that this might be the end of my high school career. 

Eventually I had to step before the assembled collegiate of teachers where I explained what had happened and what I did. Probably it was seen as a mitigating factor that I had not started this business but only acted as a technical “adviser” in the affair – but I was still the one who had placed the needles into the chair. 

The decision was that I would be punished with being put under a “consilium abeundi”, meaning that I would be given a last chance and that just one additional disciplinary incident would be the signal for my irrevocable dismissal. Of course, I apologized to Mr. Kellner and the assembled collegiate – and later he and  I actually became very good friendly – he was an enthusiastic teacher with a few weaknesses that students, like, exploited from time to time – but he was my English teacher and did basically quite well with being that. I also had learned my first English song from him: he used to bring his violin to class and have us sing along “Humpty, Dumpty fell of the wall...”. 

Now of course I started behaving, staying away from mischief, never stepping out of line – and guess what: it was not at all difficult being that way! BUT – at one time I almost blew it, and that had something to do with rising testosterone levels, I suppose (so it is not my fault, get it?). Here is what happened: 

Probably I was about 14 or 15 years old when I was able to join the class on the yearly 1-week Schullandheim Aufenthalt – an educational leave for a week, usually all staying at a youth hostel away from home. There we engaged in educational activities such as looking at castles and churches, hiking each day and having of course lots of fun on the side - such as battling with cushions in the dormitories – although that was a bit below us at that age. I never had been able to join in these trips because of lack of money. But this time I did, and we travelled by train to Bad Duerkheim and invaded the youth hostel there. 

We had one guy in class, Lothar Lewerenz, who was two years older than the rest of us – so he became our main adviser on sexual matters because he already had a girlfriend named Lina in Steinbach and he liked telling us in detail of what that meant nd what it involved. It must have been him who, in Bad Duerkheim, got this great idea – namely, to visit the girl's room at night. The girls were in two rooms, 4 in one and some 10 or so in another. We decided the four would do, and four of us were going to give it a try. (To hell with the Consilium Abeundi!) So, around 11 at night we got up and stole down the stairs and into the 4-girls room. Of course they knew to expect us. It was harmless, of course. Lewerenz snuck into bed with two of the girls, the rest of us “abstained” and practised getting in and out of the closets – in case we needed to hide. 

Eventually we headed back up – and we made a report to the others who of course were eagerly waiting for screams by the hostel administrator. Since all had gone so smoothly, immediate plans were made for all of us to visit the 10-girl dormitory the next night! 

At about 11 pm the following night all ten of us traipsed bare-footed and clad in our pyjamas to the lower floor and entered the dorm room where squeaking womenfolk probably were eagerly awaiting us. One of them, the shyest one, was jumping up and down in her bed with excitement, and we distributed ourselves across the room. Lewerenz of course right back into bed with two girls, I lying down beside Marie because her bed was closest (still remembering even now how her short hair cut caused my arm to be stung by the stubbles on her neck), Funk into bed with Ursula, his official girl friend. Again, all was kosher, no sex or anything like that – just a bit of excitement. Funk seemed to ignore Ursula because he focused on practising quick getaways, rolling out of and under her bed. Each time he tried he made enough noise to wake up a dozen “Herbergsmuetter” - hostel managers - or teachers. Our lady teacher and trip leader, Mrs. Dr. Seybold, of course had a room in the same hostel. 

It all became a slightly noisy affair – because there was some chatter and giggling in addition to Funks plunges. Eventually I experienced an urge to have to go the bathroom. What to do: I considered climbing out of, or peeing out of, the window in the back of the room but was not sure how this would be received by the ladies. Eventually I had no choice and decided to just use the girl's bathroom across the hall – hoping that none of the ladies (Mrs. Seybold??) from other rooms would have a similar need. So I went to the door and opened it – and guess what I stared at: right into the face of a terribly pained and flustered Herbergsmutter – the hostel manager lady! Holy smokes, I almost passed out. A big thump in the back of the dorm could be heard – Funk obviously had made his immediate getaway, it seemed. Otherwise there was silence, and even the youngest of the girls had stopped squeaking. 

I guess it was time to leave – and we all goose-stepped back up to our room, the excitement of the evening having changed to a sense of doom, including of course for myself in view of my Consilium Abeundi status: for me it felt like “Good Bye High School”! 

The next morning we showed up in the breakfast room, a bit dazed still. And then we asked to talk to Dr. Seybold – who pointed out to us that we all were in a double mess because the Youth Hostel was run by the archdiocese for the area and that the Herbergsmutter was absolutely devastated that she had to report to the bishop this incredible immoral incident that was going to be stain on her career and the entire institution. 

But now reason prevailed: The girls in particular, under the lead of the class rep Ursula, talked to Dr. Seybold and assured her that actually this was just a harmless prank and that no impropriety had materialized. She herself of course also wished the entire affair away because it was a stain on her management as well – what was she going to tell the Principal back home? We suggested to her that the entire matter was just a harmless prank or affair, that of course there were no consequences and repetitions and that in the interest of all the entire matter better be forgotten. 

And that's how it ended: The Herbergsmutter, Dr. Seybold and all the perpetrators forgot about the incident, and no reports ever needed to be made. Including none on the misbehaviour of a certain Hans Peter Baer, the Consilium Abeundi student who eventually got his first ever grade of  “A” in the annual report under “Behaviour” and eventually graduated from High School without difficulty (the only final and unobserved violation being that he helped 2 or 3 class mates during their preparations for the oral exams in Latin).

(PS: Diese Klasse war die alte "B" vor der Mittleren Reife - nicht die spaetere Magnatenklasse. We erinnert sich noch an diese Eskapade in Bad Duerkheim: Wer kam von der "B" - ausser Angelica??)